Is a scorpion the right companion animal for you?

Artis, the formerly homeless kitten, now has a dead pet (an apparent suicide) to call her very own own.

Artis was playing with a scorpion she found yesterday crawling on my living room floor. I corralled the one-inch-long critter and was about to release him outside when my inherent curiosity got the best of me. So I Googled and came up with this really excellent overview - Scorpions Thrive Where Least Expected. That did it. I motored up to Petco for a critter cage.

(While at Petco my eye caught a Fischer's Chameleon for around $70. It's absolutely mesmerizing, if you like reptiles.)

I think scorpions must have played a part in the artistic creation of the creature in the original "Alien" (the movie). They are so bizarre. When I moved him into his new home he appeared to be, well, dead or something. But, when he landed on his back he immediately flipped over, then became quite still. Since they're nocturnal creatures, I figured this is normal behavior. Still, creepy.

When I peeked in at 2 this morning, I couldn't find him. He had disappeared (like in the movie). Had he burrowed into the sand, or had he somehow escaped?

This just in! It's now 4:15 a.m. and I've got some sad news. I decided to move the critter cage to the top of my computer for inspiration and to see if he might make an appearance as I type this twisted little tale, and, oh no! Artis's scorpion has apparently committed suicide by drowning himself in his tiny water dish. I fished him out a minute ago. He's not moving, but... I don't know. Gee, he sure looks dead.

Earlier this week I discovered two black widows in the house. One was dead on the floor, and the other was hanging out in the bathroom. I released the live one and composted the dead one.

Two Black Widows and a Scorpion. Is this a sign of impending doom? Will George Bush win a second term? Will I ever understand how to do a running record?

Ha! I laugh at fate. "Two Black Widows and a Scorpion" will be the title of my newest kid poemeeeeeeeees4e, Artis! which I shall introduce as part of our science block. To be followed by a dead scorpion, I guess. Please wake up, scorpion!

Two Black Widows and a Scorpion
(Note, kids chant the refrain throughout the poem.)

My days be numbered, one by one.
Two Black Widows and a Scorpion. (chant)
Someone stole my water gun.
Two Black Widows and a Scorpion.
Wake up! Wake up! The day's begun.
Two Black Widows and a Scorpion.
Coffee, please, and a hot cross bun.
Two Black Widows and a Scorpion.
I used to think North Korea won.
Two Black Widows and a Scorpion.
We are all every mother's son.
Two Black Widows and a Scorpion.
Except for girls, whom we can't outrun.
Two Black Widows and a Scorpion.
You never can have too much fun.
Two Black Widows and a Scorpion.
Friction's a drag. Was that a pun?
Two Black Widows and a Scorpion.
This black cloud weighs a metric ton.
Two Black Widows and a Scorpion.
Somewhere under a midnight sun.
Two Black Widows and a Scorpion.
A spider spins till he comes undone.
Two Black Widows and a Scorpion.
Aren't you glad we're almost done?
Two Black Widows and a Scorpion.
You can tune a piano, but how do you tuna fish?
STOP! (Kids)
And gravity sucks, too.

Okay, I know I've got to pull the last line. This is third grade we're talking about. Still, it's a good pun.